The semester is finally over and it’s the awkward time between the end of classes and summer obligations. Rather it’s a vacation trip, summer classes, or that summer job, these next few weeks until the start of June are sure to drag. If you’re like me, your probably dreading the next few weeks and summer as whole, because you know this is the season, where things slow down and your busy is life is now on hold.
Some us of out there, love the summer: both heat and opportunity to relax. I should feel excited about this, but instead, I’m just annoyed and anxious. Some people experience more periods of depression in the winter, but I have an increase of these episodes in the summer. For the most part I have spent my summers between semester doubling up on classes and working. Even then, I still feel unproductive. I feel I lose a since of my purpose in the summer. This could be because I equate productivity to busyness. During the school year I completely engross myself in my academics, job, internship, and extracurricular activities. I become so lost in my busy life that I never even take time to self care.
Now that part of my life is over, I have so much time on my hands I don’t know what to do. I sometimes fixate on the loneliness the summer brings, I become drowned in a sea of worthlessness. I anticipate feeling like shit. This year though, I want to approach summer with a new mindset. The opportunity to grow myself in more ways than academics and intellect. I want to focus on my personal growth and continuing this journey in finding myself. I am more than just what I hope my future career to be. The summer is the perfect opportunity enjoy myself and enjoy life.
I complied a list of all the things I want to do this summer, I purchased a positivity journal to keep my spirits up, and I have plenty of my STL friends to support me and cheer me up when I get in a mood. I have signed up for summer conferences, campaigning opportunities and little vacas. In a few weeks I’ll start my full time summer job. But Imagine if I went as hard for myself as I do for my academics. I want to find joy and being busy with personal growth. Today was hard. But tomorrow will be better. For all those overachievers out their that lose purpose in the summer there are so many ways to grow your mind and your heart during the summer. Stay strong.
Until Next Blog,
So Fragile. So young
She was once strong, so determined, so independent
Beautiful. Unforgettable she was.
I forgot her.
Forgot what it was like to be resilient. To be in-comparable, unconventional, unmeasurable.
You. She was you
You were here.
Amazing. Extraordinarily, brave.
So full of Love.
Giving, thoughtful, and carefree
What happened? What happened?
Heart break, Heart break.
Intimacy: Close familiarity or frienship; closeness
One things that seems to be lacking from my dating life . Every interaction seems less and less genuine, as I can clearly tell, these men only want one thing.
Although someone can make it clear from the beginning they don’t want a relationship, I feel like it’s not hard to understand that just because your physically involved with someone doesn’t mean you have to devalue them as a person. You can care about someone, build a friendship and it can still be JUST SEX.
There’s this thing called intimacy and it’s not that hard.
A lot of guys feel the need to “friend zone” you just to make it clear that the situationship won’t develop into anything more. A grown man will insist on being friends, just so he can ensure that you won’t catch feelings; so you can always know where you stand. He has no intentions of actually being your friend. He has no intentions in actually trying to get to know you. He calls you “friend” so he can still keep you around. He’s gaslighting and being manipulative. It’s BULLSHIT.
What grown ass man can’t tell you how he really feels? Apparently a lot. A safe rule of thumb: Just be straight up for the jump. If you just want sex, just have sex and save her time and yours.
AND. You can give a fuck about someone and still have just have sex.
We all know as the year begins to end, and a New year starts to emerge, we’ll start hearing “new year, new me”. I probably said this last year, as I felt I had to change something about myself to make the upcoming year better than the last. As I reflect on 2017, it is not myself that I want to be new; it is not myself that I wish to change. Maybe someone of my behaviors, reactions, attitudes but not who I truly am. In 2017 I made it my mission to be authentically me. I aimed to be true to myself and my experiences. The first half of 2017 was better than I could have ever imagined. Living in my true self lead me to take on new experiences, develope new friendships, graduate with my Bachelors Degree, join an amazing Sorority and start graduate school. The second half of 2018 taught me something different.
The second part taught me something different. For the first time and along time I had to acknowledge and deal with the parts of myself that weren’t so sweet. Parts of myself I tried to bury because I deemed them unacceptable. Parts of myself that people told me would hold me back, forgetting these were the parts of myself that allowed me to grow. I spent the second half of 2017 in cycle of defeat, self-pity, and self hate, all while ignoring the blessing I was receiving in my life. It took me a while to realize, in order to continue my growth and live authentically I had to accept those “not so good qualities”.
So as I think about where I want my 2018 to go and I can only say that I want to continue to grow in my self love and accept myself fully. I want to engage in activities that bring me pure joy and happiness. Last week I made a list of New Year resolutions if you will. I will keep updating the list as I find more things that will contribute to my growth. I’ll share below. I’ll let y’all know how this goes for me and this Journey of finding myself. But I’m starting off the year feeling confident and empowered. New Year, Better Me. Till next time 😉
1. Trust God at all times
2. Find a Church in STL to attend regularly
3. Continue practicing yoga weekly
4. Blog monthly
5. Journal/write weekly
6. Self Affirm daily
7. Prioritize my own mental health
8. Read 1 book for leisure a month
9. Get back into Dance
By now, any young single, and maybe even those in relationships has a tinder, or has heard of tinder, or knows someone who does. Tinder is a dating app, especially known for “hookups”. Tinder allows you to find potential hooks ups in your area. It is the singles guide to finding a new partner.
I personally have a Tinder account and it is honestly hit or miss. I spend hours swiping left on numerous guys I am uninterested in. Most guys that I do match with turn out to be ignorant, or sexist, or simply only wanting one thing; to hook up. For someone who has just gotten out of a long term relationship, I know that I’m not looking for anything serious but I also know I don’t want to hook up with a random guy. There are even fewer guys that I allow to have my number and even then they fuck up by asking “send me pics”. That’s an automatic BLOCK!
I recently had my first Tinder date and I’m not sure why I chose him. I didn’t find him super attractive and our conversations were average, but I think the excitement of being in a new city allowed me to let me guard down and go on a date with this guy. He intitally asked me out bowling, but I pushed it back due to cost. Though he offered to pay, I am against letting guys pay for my things (another blog for another time). But when he asked me to dinner and I agreed to go, as it was a more affordable option. I was excited because I didn’t know what to expect. Now that I think about it, this is my first time doing this dating thing. From watching too much TV, I know that it could possibly have been a complete disaster. Still, I went.
It was a pretty decent date. We spent about an hour and a half together, order food and just talked. I found myself taking complete control of the conversation often. He wouldn’t even look me in my eyes as I talked and for me this was a red flag. I talked way more than an introvert like myself would have liked. By the end of the date, I wasn’t sure if we would make it to next Sunday. He seemed like a nice guy but not someone I’d take seriously. He sweet, but hella corny and I just couldn’t take it. I knew by the end, that I was out of his league. I made a mental note that I wanted someone who was confident enough to balance the conversation, take control when necessary and look me in the face, Damit. My thoughts of Tinder: It is hit or miss. You win some you, loose some. But I guess that’s how it is in this dating world. I have another Tinder date coming up this week, so I guess we’ll see how that goes…. Good luck to all my Tinderers out there. There is still hope 🙂